How to Handle Drunk Hecklers When You’re Fat and Wearing An Evel Knievel Suit Onstage: A Pictorial

I know a lot of people have been having problems with this, so I thought I’d present this pictorial to help demonstrate a method I’ve found useful.

Step 1. Ask for a Volunteer from the Drunk Heckler Section.

Step 2. Drunk Heckler now thinks he is at a magic show.  He is also now conscious that he is on a stage.  This means he will do whatever you ask him to, if you talk like you have a clear purpose for him.  No one wants to be onstage with no purpose.  Start by having him lay on his stupid heckler face.  Don’t say that though.  Just say “Ok, I need you to lie on your face…”

Step 3. Now that he’s laying on his face instead of yelling like a fucking donkey in the front row, make use of the once-again-undivided attention of the crowd.  Maybe use the spotlight to point out how dumb this guy looks, laying on his face.  What’s he gonna do?  He’s laying on his face.

Step 4. Tell the crowd you’re going to jump over the Drunk Heckler. You are wearing an Evel Knievel suit, after all. You might as well jump (jump). Have him lay on his back, so that in case “you don’t make it” you can step on a Drunk Heckler’s nuts.

At this point, no one will have noticed that your fat body is making your Evel Knievel belt unsnap. They will be too busy hoping to see you step on the asshole guy’s nuts.

Step 5. Prepare to do irreparable damage to another man’s reproductive organs.

Step 6. Jump. Bring 270 pounds of falling boot heel down on somebody’s testicles, while the horrified audience looks on. You’ll never play this city again. He’ll never be the same man again. But you fucking do it. You do it for Michael Jackson. You show that man’s nuts the same amount of mercy they showed Michael. Which is zero.

Step 7. Just drop a beat. Ask the crowd politely to throw their hands in the air. They’ll forget all about the screaming man on the floor. The good thing about having music to perform with is that you can’t hear the hecklers.

Hope this has been helpful.
<3,
B

Twitter
Facebook
Myspace